it's finally happened.
she's inspired me.
she screamed to me from virutal pages across thousands and thousands of miles. she was always my idol. i have her addictive personality. but i want to grow into something strong and beautiful like her.
she said i need to take life less seriously. and i need to get myself some real friends. not friends who i can talk to and go out with, but friends whose parents know my name and invite me round for dinner on special occasions.
i'm determined to make this better. i don't need to be scared anymore. although i know i will be. i need to experience life, and i need to talk to God, i need to get the terms of this contract straight.

i was reading the profile page of a girl i knew what seems like a hundred years ago and i was so saddened by what i saw. nothing but hate and degression.
down down down.
from writing music that sounded like her beautiful personality to listening to drive time radio piss that makes her want to go dance on a sunday night with sweaty people in skirts shorter than hers pushing against her.
most of all it made me want to cry.
i never knew how people could renounce what they claimed was their life blood for so long, but now i realise how easily you can let it slip away, no matter how much you don't want it to. and what's scary is that i can't say that it's never going to happen to me, because it's so close. it's some surreal dream that hits me like a cement truck in my decent clothes on a sunday afternoon surrounded by people waiting to judge me. i'm waiting on it hitting me when it's too late. is it ever too late?

i want to be her so bad. i want to have her movement, her way with words, her beautiful independence, but i'm scared i'm not built that way. i want so bad to break free from this glass that seems to subconsciously enclose me. i want to be normal... better than that, i want to be strong. i want to start by myself and build things from there. i want to be ok with that, not ill, not scared, pleasantly ok. like cups of tea in cafes that play twee music on repeat all day; soothe, soothe.
i think i need to leave everything to achieve this. it's amazing that nothing's in my way apart from me. i just need to find someone to move that obstacle.

but what makes me the saddest is that this is nothing that i haven't thought about before. this is nothing that won't fade in a few short days, then i'll be back in the mental confinement that i've been mazed in for the last year, apparently. what am i scared of?
what am i scared of anymore?

i'm still here.

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