i'm fucking scared.
i'm scared about the future, not just the immediate future, whatever lies beyond that, and beyond that, and beyond that. i'm not being true to myself, or am i? either way i know i'm going to suffer for it.
part of me says that the past year wasn't worth it, that i've made myself more unhappy than i've ever been and for what. the other part of me says that i've learnt so much and developed as a person, but i don't know if that's a good thing or if it's me whose developed or me and him.
i know that if i'm going to pursue this life i'm going to have to move away and make a new break from everyone who makes me so claustrophobic here. i also know, however, that that's not the best idea, it will just end up making me more inward looking and make it all the more difficult to come back if needs be.
i really need to stop thinking sometimes.
i need to stop taking everything so seriously.
it all hurts.
today i had renewed hate for you. it's pathetic that i still internet stalk you, at a level that i'm pretty sure is unhelpful and unhealthy. i want to strike out at you, i want to make you pay for those happy smiles in the pictures and the tears and knots in my stomach that took over my life for a whole week. fuck you. i hate that you two had your own little world and i suppose it's easier being mad at you than asking why he didn't tell you about me.
i'm so hurt that he was officially calling me his girlfriend and still emailing you. i'm angry that you talked about the trip and how you wanted to come home to him. you only knew him for a week. but that was the worst week i've had in a long time.
sad music and some, any, distraction from my loneliness will do for tonight.
i'm still here.
